Fucking is a priority for me
On Being Extremely Forward, and Dating Queers versus Straights
I’m 19 weeks pregnant, single, and sexually living large. Brangus’s 10 Rules for Sleeping with Women got me thinking about my approach to sleeping with straight cis men versus queers.1 My dating and casual sex experiences have been overwhelmingly positive. Only 28% of my connections (n=42) have been via dating apps (lower than the base rate for my generation, I would guess?) and of those 28%, more than half have resulted in sustained friendships, so I think I’m doing something right.
Dating apps are great technology. I’ve met people I would never have met otherwise. But I often meet people offline or through rat circles who I want to fuck, and I notice a lot of men and women, especially my generation and younger, who struggle with how to break the ice.
My strategy is simple. I’ve always abided by Brangus’s Rule 6: “Use non-flirting,” i.e. tell them you want to fuck them:2
If you, like me, hate delaying common knowledge, I have good news for you. You can unilaterally make common knowledge with someone that you find them attractive. How? Tell them you find them attractive. They now know that you find them attractive, and they know that you know that they know that you find them attractive.
When you’re on dating apps, both parties’ intentions are usually pretty clear without having to say it. But if you’re going for coffee with a friend that’s a different story and I, like Brangus, think it would be a damn shame to miss an opportunity to fuck if it’s there. I hate ambiguity and physical flirting doesn’t come naturally to me, so I almost always escalate verbally, especially with straight cis men.
Recently I had a date with a man and did my customary thing of dropping heavy, verbal hints that I would like to have sex with him. When we parted ways it was pretty clear to both of us where things were going and we planned to get together the next day, but even that was not unambiguous enough for me. So as we were firming up plans over text, I said I could make afternoon work if that was better for him because “fucking is a priority for me.” When I told a woman friend about this she thought this was funny/impressive/mortifying.
The forwardness is partly just my personality, but also feels necessary because I present pretty queer and sometimes that confuses cis men. I don’t shave anything, it looks like a trans man cut my hair (true), I don’t really know how to dress “nicely.”
I’m also pretty self-assured, maybe to a fault. I don’t take “no” “meh” for an answer. For example, I had a funny situation recently where Standard Deviant had tried to set me up with a man. He sent me pictures of the guy (he was hot - I said I’d absolutely hit that). He sent the guy pictures of me and… no response.
Standard Deviant had theories about why the man had “soft-rejected” me. Another woman might have called it a loss and maybe avoided him if possible. But I knew that he knew that I knew he had effectively declined to be set up with me, and as a scientist, I had to get to the bottom of it. I asked the man out for coffee when we were in the same city a few months later.
Long story short we did fuck and it was lovely. He was even hotter in person.
With queers, I’m much less self-assured, much more nervy, and the sex is on average much more… erotic. Practically all my kink experience has been with queer people. With queers, there’s often an element of worship. I worship them or we’re worshiping each other. There’s something of the divine, something nebulous that guides our movements so I can lose myself. It’s dizzying.
With straights there’s less variance and it’s generally more like I’m following a script. A script that I love! I love predictability! But I wonder if I can sustain a relationship without the worship.
(Side note: I think part of why I like CNC is I can sort of manufacture that loss of control that I find naturally in queer sex. I want to give myself over to something or someone. In very rare instances I also love when my partner gives themself over to me.)
I should note that my conversion rate of sexual encounters to what one would call “committed” relationships is quite low. I think most people looking at my dating history would say I’ve had two recognizable relationships—two people I introduced to my grandma as my sweethearts, people I wanted to “build a life” with. I married one of them, and that relationship lasted for twelve years. Both of those relationships were “script” type relationships and I don’t particularly want to repeat either of them.
The times in my twenties that I’ve fallen in love have all been with queers and have all converted to friendships that I treasure. I still worship them. I expect they’ll be part of my kid’s life to varying degrees. I’m hopeful that I’ll find worship and commitment in one person at some point, but in the meantime, I’m prioritizing this kid, friendships, and fucking (in that order).
Since I’m a cis lady, “queers” here = everyone who’s not a straight cis man.
Important to remember Brangus’s Rule 2: “Be ok with any answer” — but I’ve almost never had to invoke Rule 2.
For what it's worth, you can just tag all my thoughts as mine in future, lol x
Well, this is really refreshing to read. I’m a straight, cis-gendered, but autistic, guy (a lot older than you!). I really, really, struggle with flirting - in that I’m almost blind to it, and I very much prefer ‘direct’ (blunt?) communication of desire/intent (and anything else). I wish more people had your attitude… Heck, I might even manage to ‘hook up’ with someone sometimes if they actually told me what they were thinking instead of dropping vague hints I fail to understand.